Dr. Claw Gets Pinched

It’s old news that US government agencies have their hands full, what with all the backpaddling for colossal eff-ups like allowing financiers to ruin the global economy, and industrial food corporations to poison people with bad eggs and meat. So when one guy tries to make an honest buck selling really good lobster rolls from his apartment in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, what happens? He gets shut down.

This annoys me. Granted, Dr. Claw was a little bold with his clandestine operation, calling a lot of attention to himself online and on various food television outlets, even, on one occasion, giving a Facebook tongue lashing to a similar guerrilla operation that uses his delivery method (They’ve since made nice, it appears). But in a time when there really aren’t so many jobs to be had, and what cooking jobs there are have mostly been spoken for by an immigrant population who’ll work for next to nothing, people have to do SOMETHING. Just ask illegal immigrants who walk the streets selling empanadas out of baby strollers.

I understand the concern for public health standards. There’s some specific knowledge required to safely produce and deliver food. Some people don’t know what they’re doing and shouldn’t be doing it. But Dr. Claw is no stranger to the food business. He began his operation as an experienced culinary professional, not a hobbyist. And then, there are those who DO know what they’re doing, blatantly ignore what’s best for the public’s health, and are allowed to remain in business on a very large scale. Witness:

Since being served with a notice, Dr. Claw has begun selling t-shirts proclaiming “Lobster Rolls are not a Crime” on the internet to his loyal fans. In any case, here’s a video depicting Claw doing what he does best. I will tell you after twenty years of experience working in licensed restaurant kitchens, there is NOTHING happening in this video that should scare you. With the “economy the way it is,” some regulations on small food businesses should probably be changed to allow for properly maintained home kitchens to serve as headquarters for knowledgeable, experienced culinary professionals. But even if the laws don’t change, this sort of thing is going to continue to go on. It’s a way of life for culinary artisans all over the world, and has been since time immemorial. Should we now expect a “war” on underground food entrepreneurs? Or even worse, reality food television that follows underground chefs, blurring out their faces and disguising their faces? Perhaps Dr. Claw’s brashness was part of a bigger picture. Whatever the plan is, let’s hope he keeps his fingers out of his mouth in front of the camera.

Tags: chef, cooking, food, Seafood, underground food

Posted in Chefs, Fish and Seafood, News | No Comments »

Man V. Food Television

I watched Man V. Food for the first time the other night. The title itself immediately brings conflict to mind, as if to say, “There is nothing laudable about a harmonious relationship with one’s sustenance. Prudence is for the weak and unambitious. You must seek a mountain of  food and conquer it with the mouth as if you were climbing Olympus itself and daring Zeus to strike you down with lightning bolts of myocardial infarction. You must be upon the buffet as the Mongols crossed the steppe, leaving naught but heaps of bones.”

Eating is advisable, and can even be enjoyable. Maybe it’s that I’ve been a culinary professional for my entire working life, but food as fetish spanks my rosy red bottom the wrong way, and a little too hard. I know that Adam Richman is an actor, employed by a television network to entertain, and I’ve read that he offsets the effects of the ridiculous food challenges his whip-crackers put upon him with a regimen of exercise and… water. But when he’s getting all amped up about the excesses of some local American greasy spoon’s “fortuitously famous fodder”, he starts sounding like a coked-up Chris Farley. And then I’m unable to pry from my head the image of said deceased comedian shoveling pound after pound of twelve different kinds of pork from a BBQ buffet into his cavernous maw, braying like an ass that got into the cider barrel about how amazing everything is, and articulating assinine alliterated assessments of the indiscernible glop mounds under assault while the gravy from six different animals sets to the oozing from every orifice on his head. And you might find his gushing praise believable if it didn’t sound like he’d just quaffed a gram of 100% pure Colombian (cocaine, not coffee), which has rendered his tastebuds impotent. He cannot taste a single nuance of what’s clinging for dear life to his poor fork, the sniffer and palate fried from the drug and acid reflux. He screams a hoarse, unintelligible ululation and falls to the floor in a quivering, gelatinous heap. Cut to commercial…

[A naked Paula Deen is smeared with viscous brown goo, bellowing, "I just love my puddin', y'awl!" from within her backyard jacuzzi running over with the chocolate variety. "And I'll be jiggered if I just can't wait fer y'awl to join me on my next episode, where we're gonna have all kinds o' puddin' out here in the hot tub! I'm even gonna show you how to make my grandmawmaw's puddin' pie, God rest her soul up in heav'n..."]

Food is terrific stuff. Sensuality and dining are fantastic. But, friends old and new, food obsession is just gross. Compulsively watching people have food-gasms on television is one molecule away from compulsively reading trashy novels for want of true intimacy. They don’t call it food porn for no reason, and excess in this regard is every bit as sexy as living through the recessions and depressions of an empire crumbling under the weight of its own corpulence and greed. If you don’t see the connection, please return to your television and darken my rumpus room no more.

Tags: food, food and drink, food television, media

Posted in Food Issues, Food Philosophy, The Business | 2 Comments »

Tennessee Red’s: Real BBQ in Portland

What is Barbecue?

There is perhaps no word in the culinary lexicon of American English that sets mouths to watering and arguing as profusely as barbecue. You probably know what it is, and what it is not. We all know that when it’s at its best, barbecue is an apex of achievement in American gastronomy. It is the art of coaxing deep flavors from meat through the application of slow, indirect heat and wood smoke. Hickory and mesquite are the most commonly used woods, but apple, cherry, alder, maple, oak and others also find their way into the mix. There are various dry and wet seasoning techniques utilized before and during the cooking process, and an array of sauces can be had as condiment. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: barbecue, bbq, chef, cooking, food, oregon, pdx, Portland, portland food, portland food and drink, Restaurants

Posted in Chefs, Love, Meat, Portland, Restaurants | No Comments »

Say Yes to Quack

The next time you’re in St. Louis, get your ducks in a row and visit Wei Hong Bakery & Restaurant (3175 South Grand Avenue, 314-773-8318). Order the roast duck on rice, a testament to the power of simplicity and freshness. From beneath its crisp skin, the succulent meat gives off the faintest suggestion of fragrant Five Spice, and the perfectly steamed rice is crowned with the leafy green punch of a slightly smoky stir-fried baby bok choi. It is a faultless trio.

Wei Hong is a real Cantonese restaurant and bakery, vastly superior to the hundreds of greasy woks in town that cater to a love for over-seasoning and gravy. The menu boasts 167 dishes, so you may want to consider going with a large group and ordering family-style as the establishment’s loyal Chinese clientele frequently does. Ordering take-out from the BBQ case at the front is also advisable for adventurous diners or last-minute party planners. In addition to the splendid duck, there is roast pork, chicken, chicken feet and a few unrecognizable offal dishes available for purchase by weight at miraculously low prices. A full bakery case of traditional Chinese cookies, dumplings, noodles and pastries sweetens the deal. I couldn’t leave without a bag of lotus-flavored bean cakes.

Posted in Fowl, Restaurants, Rice, Vegetables | No Comments »

Dalmatian Zucchini Fritters

My first encounter with these exquisite little nuggets of vegetalia occurred on the Pelješac peninsula in southern Croatia, where they are known as uštipci od tikvice. They’re pretty straightforward, down-home little numbers, so I’d be shocked, stunned and amazed if they did not exist in some form in the culinary lexicon of a few other cultures. They actually remind me of some of the whimsical concoctions my Grandma Goddard used to prepare. At any rate, my lesson in preparing these came on a sweltering afternoon in the tiny village of Kučište, a place of grand old stone mansions still owned and inhabited by the descendants of old Dubrovnik sea captains.  A respected village patriarch, Mr. Matias Glavaš, was my teacher.

Indeed, the rendition of zucchini fritters that he prepared for me that day while the stuffy Jugo winds blew in from the south could come from nowhere other than coastal Croatia, as his recipe calls for rogačica. This rare, bittersweet liqueur made from carob pods is enjoyed as a cordial, but in its stronger, more concentrated form it’s used as a medicinal. My rendition, however, uses a sprinkling of white truffle infused olive oil in the batter, which nods to the truffle rich soil of Istria in the north of Croatia. Mix the following in a bowl:

5 cups grated fresh zucchini (wrap in a clean towel and press out the liquid)
3 eggs
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
4 cloves garlic, chopped finely
grated peel of 1 lemon
2 teaspoons lemon juice
1/2 cup fresh Italian parsley leaf, roughly chopped
2 teaspoons chopped fresh rosemary
2 teaspoons olive oil (you may use truffle infused oil if you like, but use only 1 tsp in that case)
2 ounces grappa (optional)
2 cups flour
1 teaspoon salt

The mixture should be thick, but not stiff. Don’t be afraid to add a little flour or water to adjust for the consistency of pancake batter. Allow the mixture to rest for ten minutes, then stir again.

Heat a skillet with 1/4 inch of olive oil to medium high, just below the smoking point. Spoon in large dollops of batter and fry slowly to golden brown on each side. Drain on a paper lined plated and sprinkle with a little kosher or sea salt while still hot. This quantity will produce about 20 or so fritters. Enjoy them alone as a snack, or as a side dish for lunch or dinner. If you have a favorite Mediterranean aioli or dipping sauce, go for it… but I think they’re pretty excellent alone.  Dobar tek!

Posted in Croatia, Vegetables | No Comments »